First Love Heartaches

Kimono: c/o August Wrinkle   Tank: thrifted   Jeggings: American Eagle   Sandals: Philippines  Headband: gift   Bag: Rue 21

This is what I wore on Tuesday to meet Patrick, my ex-boyfriend, for one last catch up over coffee. He's moving to another city, and he wanted to talk to me before he left.

It was five minutes until the time we'd agreed to meet, and my stomach was in knots. I was cruising down the street, fiddling with the radio dial as I made the turn into the parking lot. Every station I hit was playing a song about a broken romance.

Who Knew by Pink.

When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars

Even the country station was playing The One That Got Away.

Really, radio? Really? 

I hit the power off button a little too forcefully.

I reached my destination and pulled into a parking spot. Right across from me, I spotted his car.

He was here.

Just relax Linda, he's a friend. Remember that...you're just friends now.

As I walked into the coffee shop, the very same one where we'd had our first date, I saw him. He looked exactly the same, if only a little more muscular. 

He looked good. He smiled and came up to me to give me a side hug.

"Hey, how have you been?" he asked.

"Good, what about you?" 

Then began the initial small chat. You know, how's the folks, how was school, etc. We sat down at a small table and sipped our coffee as we caught up.

He managed to slip in those old, thoughtful compliments he used to give me too. Not in a flirtacious way however...it was more genuine than that. They were his honest observations. For example, while talking about a girl with a strong personality I'd encountered, he added in, "Well you have a strong personality as well."
I looked at him questioningly.
"What I mean is, yes, you're very sweet, but you're no pushover," he elaborated.

Its things like that that reminded me why I'd fallen for him.

At one point, he brought up our past. He told me he had never thought it had been a waste of time or was all for vain. He wouldn't trade our past relationship for anything. He'd become stronger in his faith because of me, and I had inspired him.

When he said that, I felt my jaw start to wobble a bit as emotion overcame me.

But I blinked a couple times, breathed deeply, and when I looked back up at him, my eyes were dry.

"You helped me too," was all I said. 

He was always the one better with words. For me, my mind is a chaotic field of thoughts, where no single rational sentence can be formed in the midst of battle. Only later, when I write, can the chaos be formed into sanity. I resent that, and I wish I could be as poetic with words on the spot.

We sat there for about two hours, talking and laughing like we used to. We conversed about everything, leaping from subject to subject. There were many times we slipped back into our old jokes with one another. It was like we'd never stopped our conversations.

It was nice. 

Its also made me realize something about love. When you truly love someone, you give a piece of your heart to them that you'll never get back. Love is risky and painful. I still am missing that piece I gave him, and I can feel the ache from knowing it'll never be recovered. He has it, and I'll always love him. Some days I'll wonder why it had to be him and why it had to end. Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why couldn't we work out? Other days I'll remember our time together fondly and not feel saddened to know its over. I can reflect on it peacefully. Yet every day, no matter how I feel, I know that he was someone important in my life.

Love is a powerful thing to play with, and it's a gamble.

But it can be so worth it.

When we said goodbye, I pulled him in for a tight, quick hug and stepped into my car. As I backed out, I glanced over my shoulder at him. I couldn't resist one last peek. He looked over at the same moment, with an expression I couldn't discern on his face. Was it sadness? Was that a hint of panic in his eyes? Perhaps it was blank, and I was just projecting the emotions I wanted to see onto him. I didn't know, and my head was hurting from fighting back watery eyes. So I just smiled sadly and drove away.

It was at the stoplight when I finally let the built up tears slide out. 

He'll always be my friend. He'll always be that person that inspired me to be better - at life, my health, even my grades, and most importantly, my faith. He'll always be that man that has everything I want in someone.

But he'll never be mine.

Its like I told my friend later: "This is going to sound like a corny romance novel gone wrong, but he was my first love. I'm never going to be completely over him. He has a part of me that I'll never get back, and I'm always going to love him. Time will help those strong feelings fade, but I know I'll always care for him."

I don't know what God has in store for me, but I know that if I'm patient and learn to give my heart to Him, it won't be broken.

Persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed
2 Corinthians 4:9

♥

Bursting Bubbles

Top: American Eagle   Jeans: (thrifted) Gap   Heels: Lulus   Beanie: Rue 21   Clutch: thrifted   Necklace: c/o Style Lately

For a long time, I've noticed the bubble necklace trend. How could I not? Its some major statement necklace, and that's right up my alley! So when Style Lately sent me one, I couldn't have been more thrilled. Its the perfect gem to add a fun touch of color and bling to any outfit.
Another new trend that I've fallen for? Boyfriend jeans. Holy cow, how have I lived without a pair for so long? They're SO. COMFY! What's even better is the fact that I thrifted this Gap pair for $6.
I love thrifting.

 

In other news, I got was invited to go grab coffee with a guy over the weekend. It was somewhat awkward for me to turn him down, since I actually like him. 

Just not in that way. 

His name is Colton, and he's a new cook at work. He's taken to teasing me and likes to sneak up behind me and poke my sides to make me jump. He's likeable, despite the studs in his ears and tattoos that peek out of his sleeves. I walked right into his invitation on accident though. I can be really dense when it comes to things like that.

It was closing time, and he came up to ask me where were good coffee places in town.

"Hmm, well there's a Java down here at the end of the street," I suggested.

"You know if they'd be open?" 

"Oh, I don't think so. Not sure what coffee places would be open right now." 

"Well, you should come get coffee with me." he stated bluntly.

I stammered a bit and racked my brain for words to say. He had taken me off guard!

"Right now?"

"Yeah, let's go right after work."

"Um, well, uh, I mean...no."

"No?"

"I'm just really tired."

I know, the lamest excuse possible escaped my mouth. But I mean, come on, it was 11 at night and I was ready to get done and just go home! 

"Well, think about it," he suggested. "Let me know."

Later when I had to go back in the kitchen area, he asked me what was up and whether I didn't like coffee or something. I explained the drive back home was a longer one, and I was tired. I honest to goodness felt pretty bad, because I actually think he's a nice guy.

Just not the kind of guy I want to go on a coffee date on.

He nodded and went back to what he working on, and said, "Okay, sure." 

In the most unbelieving sort of tone possible.

I sighed. "Look, I feel bad about it, but-"

"Me too, I feel bad too," someone interrupted.

It was Michael, our Russian cook who likes to mimic everyone's sentence and then say it repeatedly like a parrot. I think his English may be on the minimal side...

Anyway, Michael started grumbling, "Me too, I feel bad too," as he shuffled by.
I think everyone was just ready to go home at that point.

So that's how my Saturday night went. 

How was your weekend?
Oh, and guess who's going to be grabbing coffee with an ex to catch up with before he leaves town?
I'm sure I'll have more to write for the next post...

Wish me luck girls!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

♥

Summer Color Combo: Mint and Pink

Tank: c/o Electric Frenchie   Jeans: Aeropostale   Shoes: c/o My Hot Shoes   Necklace: c/o Estarer   Bag: Rue 21   

Its almost uncharacteristic for me to be wearing such a girly outfit, but man, I could not resist pairing my mint tank with ombre pink jeans. Tied together with floral wedges? My inner girliness could not say no to such a combination. Just another example of how often I like leaping in between styles! I never said my look was consistent...haha, who knows how I'll be dressing next. It all depends on my mood.

I wore this for a night out with my parents and some family friends. We headed to Sizzler, and I have to say, its been ages since we've eaten out. It felt positively bizarre to actually be served and not have it the other way around. I'm so used to working in the same sort of setting that it felt odd to be on the other side of the table. But it was definitely nice. I think we need to eat out more often!

Speaking of work, I've got an adorable story to share from about a week ago. 

You know, it seems as if my luck with younger boys is better than with guys that are actually my age.

One night at work, I was preparing to close and had started mopping the front of the store. A younger boy was playing with one of the machines nearby, and he started talking to me while I worked. He was a charming twelve year old with...well, there's simply no other term for it, but he had swag. 

He noted the donations box nearby, and asked, "You don't have a tip jar?"

"Nope, line attendants don't get one," I sighed. 

He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then came right next to me and slipped $3 into my apron pocket.

"Buy yourself some candy," he smiled up at me. 

That was probably the money he was supposed to use at the toy machines! 

He popped up again later when I was wiping down trays, and chatted with me for a bit. One of my co-workers came up at that moment to grab a drink and looked at my companion questioningly.

"I've got myself a little helper," I explained. 

To which my helper immediately started pantomiming wiping down trays. 

Al, my co-worker, played along and commented on how cute he was.

 "Linda's got a boyfriend!" he teased.

"I certainly do, and he's stinkin' cute!" I defended him.

"People tell me I look like Zayne from One Direction," my new boyfriend added.

And he definitely did. He even had a cool bad-boy name: Damion. 

Seriously? All the good guys are either taken, not interested, or the wrong age!

Haha, one of the sweeter moments from work that make long shifts bearable.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

2 Corinthians 4:16

♥